My Week....

Last week was a very HARD week. My Papa went to be with the Lord on Tuesday evening around 10:30. I was there with him. It was oh so tough to say goodbye. My heart was (and still is) very heavy. I want to dedicate a post entirely to him but I need some time to figure out what I want to say in that post.

Not to mention, family and friends have helped me to keep my mind preoccupied this week. It's actually sort of surreal. My life has gone back to normal and last week feels like a dream. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing. Last week was just tough and in a way it's nice to be through the hardest part of my grief but at the same time, my heart is still broken and I don't want to throw myself back into things and stuff that hurt so deep that I don't deal with it.

But then again, staying busy is how I've pretty much dealt with hard things in my life. It's in the quiet, down times that are usually the hardest for me. I remember the year that Kris was in Afghanistan that's exactly what I did. I was incredibly busy and I handled the separation pretty well but those lonely nights were the worst.

The nice thing about now is that I'm never lonely. Not only do I have a loving husband who brings me flowers and comforts me with his warm embrace and presence, I have 3 kids who keep me company and have me smiling all the time. Even more? Our friends have been SO awesome during this! I've gotten sweet cards, a beautiful plant that will always be Papa's plant from here on out, kind texts, sweet comments and messages on Facebook, and our neighbors even had us over for breakfast this past Sunday and that same day our other dear friends brought us dinner! How blessed are we?

Through this time I've even reconnected with my old best friend and enjoyed a lovely afternoon catching up with her over lunch, shopping and cupcakes yesterday! Monday, I spent a lovely day with my Mother and I feel closer to her through all of this. She is SO strong and I'm glad we have each other to lean on during this time. Today I've been able to enjoy another day of some time well spent with a new friend and our littles and I just feel comforted and not alone this week. Last week I felt lonely b/c I wasn't doing my normal things. But in a way, I needed that time to do nothing and be alone with my thoughts. It was just hard to do but necessary if that makes sense.

Things like this are easier to go through with people and them being there means even more to me then I can explain. I think this week is exactly what God ordered for me. A week of friendship and family. And you know.... it's a reminder that God is there for me through this, too. I think that God really works through the people and things in our life and he's given me exactly what I need to heal and grieve in a healthy way.

A lot of questions spiritually have come up through this as well and it's had me turning to bible verses and books I've been given and bought through the years. I'm looking for answers and fighting hard not to let this time of uncertainty knock me off my spiritual path.

This all just reminds me that good things like friends reuniting and being there for each other and spiritual lives being challenged but not broken, do happen in times of trouble. Papa would like that.

However, I just need to allow myself to feel that loss and cry over it even though life looks normal this week. I have a tendency to force myself into being okay. I think it's a defense mechanism. The sadness and loss I feel in my heart is hard to bare sometimes so it's easy to want to push it out but I'm just going to roll with it and face it head on when I feel it in rumbling in my heart b/c I know that I need to.

This week is bittersweet b/c it reminds me that loved ones pass on and life continues. I don't like that so I'm going to work hard at incorporating my grandfather into our life in as many ways as possible. Whether it be by stocking the fridge full of root beer and cream soda b/c it was his favorite or by setting up a bird feeder and/or bird bath in the back yard b/c one of his favorite past times was bird watching. Or maybe we'll plant a garden or orange tree in honor of him b/c he had both in his backyard that he loved. Maybe we'll call Hayden Hercumer from time to time b/c that's what Poppy called him often to joke with him.

I will not forget you David Clayton Callaway! Your spirit lives on and you are greatly missed. I love you a ton!!!!!!!