An End of An Era, Or Is It?

As Sawyer reaches almost 10 months old, I have been reflecting on how when Emerson was this age, I got pregnant with Sawyer. That just blows my mind b/c I realize how much of a baby she still really was. And then when he was born, she had blossomed into a full blown toddler. I had spent half of her life pregnant!

I've also been realizing how for the last three years, with the exception of a month here and there, I have been pregnant or breastfeeding! For the last three weeks, Sawyer has been fully weaned and I am no longer nursing.

It was kind of sad for me I must say. It was our special time and allowed for he and I to bond greatly! But, at the same time I know 100% that it was time to wean. He was biting all.the.time and getting too distracted and I wasn't making much milk anymore. So when I'm feeling sad about it, I remind myself of those things! And, it helps! :)

We have some big milestones coming up with the boys in our family! As I've already mentioned in a previous post, Hayden is turning 5. And, three weeks after Christmas, Sawyer will be 1!

There was most certainly a time when I would have been excited about everyone getting older. And, I'm still excited to see what the next chapter will bring for each child. BUT, it's all seemingly going so fast. Too fast at times. It's weird how I went from being excited for everyone being older so we can do more family things together to wanting to hold onto it for as long as possible. The kids are SO cute and small right now. I love all of their stages.

Sawyer being a baby couldn't be cuter. I love babies!! Emerson is freaking killing me constantly with her two year old, cute self. When she says "I a big girl" I want to squeeze her so tight and most times I do just that. And Hayden with his little, almost 5 year old self. He's SO handsome and I love his voice and cute little boy body! I just love these innocent ages! I'm going to cherish sippy cups, diapers, and gummy vitamins for as long as possible.

So many Mom's with older children tell me these are the best years and I think they are onto something. Big kids, big problems. I know one day when they are school age things will change greatly. So, slow down kids!

By the way, Emerson is almost fully potty trained. Boy, that was pretty easy. We are still working on number 2 training but she's almost there and completely pee trained! One down, one to go.... until, baby number 4? GASP!!!

Of course, I swore till I was blue in the face I was done at three. How could I not be? Sawyer's pregnancy and post partum period almost did me in. And, I still struggle with physical stuff every other month that I never did before him. To say I'm a bit traumatized by pregnancy is an understatement. BUT, I was this SAME way after Hayden's pregnancy and then enough time passed to where I forgot and the desire for another child outweighed the fear.

Are we having a fourth? The answer is unknown. I always said no. I also always said that I wouldn't go for 4 if it was only in hopes of having another girl. Well, Sawyer was a game changer. I'm almost excited at the thought of 3 boys. Crazy right? I quickly realized once he was born, gender means ZILCH. I love that kid more then I thought possible. I love them all that way and I know I'd love a fourth just as much regardless of gender. I'm open to another boy. It really and truly wouldn't matter. Since I feel that way, I feel like that means a fourth is a possibility. Just a possibility. (We've already decided if 4 ever did happen, we would absolutely NOT find out gender.) I'm sure if my Mom ever reads this she'd keel over!!

Some days I feel 100% done. Others there's a small feeling that maybe I'm not. I'm not even desiring another child or close to it at this point but I'm not ruling it out completely. Never say never is my motto.

One thing is certain, I want to give Sawyer his time and some time for my body to have a break. So if we did have a fourth, it wouldn't be for a while. What's crazy is Kris always said HECK NO to one more. Then one day we were talking about it and he said he was going to talk to God about it when he went hunting. That's his "quiet, talk to God in perfect peace" time. He came home and I asked him what he felt. I, even if the desire came over me for another, would want him to be on board. I know if I wanted it bad enough, he would do that for me but I would much rather him want another too. That's important to me. He told me that he got the feeling God was telling him to be open to it when we Sawyer gets a little older.

Honestly, right now I'm loving our family the way it is and not being pregnant. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go through carrying and birthing another child as last time was intense! But, we are open to the possibility in a year or so.

For now, I'm loving my life just the way it is!!! It does feel like with Sawyer almost being one years old, it's the end of an era....

Or is it?